Archive for the ‘Addiction’ Category

In his book Untamed: Reactivating a Missional Form of Discipleship, Alan Hirsch writes:

If male porn has to do with looking at people’s private parts, the female version has to do with looking at people’s private lives. We call this ‘social pornography.’ It fills women’s gossip magazines and does enormous damage to the women addicted to them…if women insist on men not looking at Penthouse, we suggest that women might want to give up on People magazine as well. Either way, unredeemed male and female sexuality is a major cause of human brokenness and a major reason why many walk away from following Jesus.

While agreeing with Hirsch that this is a stereotype cast along the lines of gender, I find his comments about feminine porn to be spot-on with what I see in the culture of our community and our church.


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Most married men – and an increasing number of married women – intentionally look at porn at least once a month. And to be honest, many of you gave up Playboy a long time ago for material far more brutal and graphic.

Gentlemen, here’s a reminder of the inevitable effects on your marriage:

I have not mentioned the effect of lust on my marriage. It did not destroy my marriage, did not push me out find more sexual excitation in an adulterous affair, or with prostitutes, did not ever impel me to place unrealistic demands on my wife’s sexual performance. The effect was far more subtle…

I stare at a Playboy centerfold. Miss October has such a warm, inviting smile. She is with me alone, in my living room. She removes her clothes, just for me, and lets me see all of her. She tells me about her favorite books and what she likes in a man.

Because I have… gone over every inch of Miss October as well as the throng of beauties that Madison Avenue and Hollywood recruit to tantalize the masses, I start to view my own wife in that light…. I begin to focus on my wife’s minor flaws. I lose sight of the fact that she is a charming, warm, attractive woman and that I am fortunate to have found her.

Beyond that, lust affected my marriage in an even more subtle and pernicious way. Over time, I began to view sex schizophrenically. Sex in marriage was one thing. We performed OK, though not as often as I liked, and accompanied by typical misunderstandings. But passion, Ah, that was something different. Passion I never felt in my marriage.

If anything, sex within marriage served as an overflow valve, an outlet for the passion that mounted inside me, fed by sources kept hidden from my wife. We never talked about this, yet I am sure she sensed it. I think she began to view herself as a sex object – not in the feminist sense of being the object of a husband’s selfish greed, but in the deprived sense of being only the object of my physical necessity and not of romance and passion.

“The War Within”, Anonymous, Leadership Magazine, Fall 1992

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I talk a lot about the struggles that men face with pornography.

Did you know that the fastest-growing demographic of users of online pornography are women between the ages of 18-35?

Of course you do. Because you’re one of them.

Here’s a reminder that you’re not alone.

I’m praying that you’ll be convinced that Jesus loves you deeply and that He gives you the courage to come clean and get clean.

Let me know if I can help you get started on your road to recovery.

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